Love Me, Love My Dog

People say you should treat a dog as just another animal and not as a human being. When we first got our Hyde, I was not at ALL thrilled. I had never had a pet in all my life and was nervous about having to raise a super-active dog in a small apartment - but my better half convinced me he had enough experience for the BOTH of us. Sigh... Remember that scene in Marley and Me, when Jen Aniston loses her mind and INSISTS they give Marley away, only to change her mind again later? That was US...replayed a million times over in the last almost 3 years.

Hyde was only two weeks old when we first got him. So cute and cuddly - I don't need to lavishly describe puppies do I? In our first months of marriage we slept on a mattress on the floor. The first day we kept him out in the hall but he howled, hubby let him in and he'd try to crawl into bed with us. Keep in mind my house now smelled of urine - there were newspapers everywhere to absorb it, and I had cleaned up his poop about ten times already, which resembled mustard just as you squeeze it out the bottle. Friends who know me know how germ-conscious I was (back then that is) and I was really not keen on a puppy licking my face. Needless to say, my husband and I fought a lot over this mammoth task of raising a puppy. I was not ready for it. At ALL. Food, exercise, pee, poop, and the occasional vomit - all had to be taken care of, not mention that we had no social life cos this little guy took ALL our time. Within a year he grew to his full adult size - teeth and all, and it showed on our furniture - badly.

In the three years of poop cleaning (a real thrill when you get some on your fingers, EVEN better when it's diarrhoea), vomit mopping, tick picking, dog hair sweeping, the training and the check-ups at the vet, we'd grown to love him. May be a little too much. Labradors are intelligent. I'd go so far as to say the MOST intelligent. Trained to hunt and retrieve - their instincts are sharp, and they are the ones most chosen for the brave tasks. They are AMAZINGLY gentle around children. They learn fast and are so eager to please. My husband and I would watch proudly as he absorbed everything we taught him. We'd look at each other and dream of all that he is capable of becoming with his talents. "He should be a police dog! Sniff out bombs!", my husband would say, to which I'd reply, "No way that's dangerous! But he'd make an excellent seeing-eye dog!"

The best part of all is how much he loves us. We've gotten a lot of flak from many quarters especially after I became pregnant (my son is now 15 months old). People constantly insisted that dogs were not meant to be indoors, dog hair is dangerous, dogs get jealous and rip babies apart - we'd heard it all. I was terrified every time I heard a story - but I still could not find it in myself to abandon him. The better half agreed.

I went through an extremely tough phase post-delivery when Hyde got a bad case of ticks. We'd tried everything to ease his discomfort but we had a lot of wild pigs roaming our area (where he went for his walks) that were carrying ticks so there was just no escape. I started to get angry and frustrated with Hyde (even though it was not his fault) because I was scared for my baby. Ticks would climb the walls in hundreds like an army and I'd walk around the house like a mad person with a piece of sellotape, trying to pick them up. More fights occurred with the better half. When he and baby were finally in bed, I'd sit up till midnight and pick the fat ticks off Hyde's body, dropping them into a cup of oil so they don't escape. Some were as large as a coffee bean - filled with blood. But the scary ones were microscopic - my eyes could soon see them from a distance. The madness came to a climax when I took scissors to my long curls because I was convinced I could feel them running around in my hair. Most of all, I was terrified for my baby. The problem was only solved after we moved to a new house and locality. Hubby also had no choice but to finally take me to a hair salon to fix the mess I'd made :D




Hyde and my baby boy get along famously. In fact they're inseparable. My son calls him "thetha" (that's cheta: Malayalam for 'big brother') I've seen Hyde get protective about him - you do NOT want to cross him then. Ferocious. People who visited loved to advise us: dogs need a bigger house, a garden, room to play in, the company of other dogs. But when ever we put him in such environments, he was just SO relieved to be back home again. For him, the greatest torture was to not be around us. Like a child, he can also stomp his feet and throw a tantrum - very human-like and entertaining to watch :o)

So, just imagine a tiny creature that you feed, clean-up after, love unconditionally, comfort when they're lonely or sick, feel great pride in their achievements - and ask yourself, how MUCH different is raising a dog from raising a child? Dogs add so much value to your life. I cannot believe how much I've learnt from Hyde, how much I've changed as a person. All the pain and worry and anxiety is worth all the wonderful, at times heartbreaking, memories. No matter what, he'll always be my baby. Always. And because of him, wherever I go in the world, I'll give an abandoned dog a home, regardless of its breed.

"What's The Plan Phil?"

How important is it to sit down with your spouse and discuss your mutual plans for the future? In the years of our dating, my husband and I had all sorts of dreams and ideas, many of which seem pretty fruity right now especially as we have a baby and a dog. But after we got married I found we never actually sat down to TALK about any of our plans and rather just went with what ever the circumstances were presented, which also seemed to work out just fine (but not always great!).

As a married couple there are so many aspects to take into consideration:

1. Does the wife go back to work after a baby?
2. Do the in-laws have to move in?
3. Money money money.
4. Sharing of household chores, however small and mundane they may be.
5. Time together as a couple.
6. Time alone or with girlfriends/buddies.
7. Time spent with the children/dog.
8. Sharing of tasks involving care of the baby - changing diapers etc.
9. Who walks the dog?
10. Where to spend important holidays and festivals?

I suppose the list is endless and any man reading this will probably think twice about getting married. I am really keen to know how my blogger pals manage this aspect of their life. Is planning life like this necessary or should we just do what we feel like?

*The title is from a super-hilarious comedy called Modern Family - it truly captures all the nuances of family life and I can't find a single character I don't like!

Oh to have MY roof over my head!

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." (Phil. 4:11)

We're going through hell (okaaay, a pretty rough time) finding a house for rent in Bangalore (again!). Our current landlord very conveniently decided to not inform us that they're planning to sell the place and our house agent decides to tell us the day AFTER we sign the rental agreement and move in our stuff (a move that was being paid for by my husband's company). But she consoled us by saying "Don't worry nothing will happen for another TWO years at LEAST! (She has to say that because we just handed her a cheque for one month's rent as her fee!) Sigh...we've not yet crossed one year and have to move out this month end! The nightmare is that rent in Bangalore has almost doubled since the last year, plus the added expense of movers, another agent, and the crazy task of changing our address with the bank, gas and telephone company! I have been so enraged these past few months due the turn of circumstances, finding it even difficult to be grateful for the small blessings in life. My childhood friend P, who also happens to live next door and is my moral compass, introduced me to "Streams in the Desert" by L.B. Cowman (much cheaper on Flipkart.com btw) and I have to say, I am finding the much needed peace my mind requires. I even ordered my own copy online so she needn't go without hers. If you're of the Christian faith - I strongly recommend this book as it has brought great meaning to my life and I really think it could make a difference to yours too.

But I still can't help but think - there's nothing quite like having your OWN place, one where you are king! :o) All in His time...

When you’re a Mother, you’re Born Again

My MIL is a Born Again Christian and insists that Bible verses be plastered all over the house. Of course, having a Catholic DIL means she has to emphasize this even more :P I resisted this invasion for many reasons – none of which I want to go into right now. (Well actually I did go into it just now, and then found this post taking a completely different path, and deleted it…ha ha!)

When they left back to their place, the MIL gave me a whole lot of Bible verse stickers and told me to plaster it in every nook and corner. Irritated as I was, I understood she had only good intentions. May be she was secretly trying to “save” me…or maybe she just thought that some one visiting our home would read these verses and get some comfort or a prayer answered. I prefer to think the latter at this point.

Because we were in a rented house, we couldn’t randomly stick stuff where ever we pleased and so I put away most of them except for one, which I stuck on our fridge. Click the pic – see the orange one on the left? I remember feeling irritated, thinking, “Ugh! The PRESSURE!” But that baby was too cute. I stuck it. On the one place that I pass by every day.

Today when I think about it, I realize I chose that sticker, among all the others, because I WANTED to be a Mum.

With contraception, and “planning” a family – young couples today are too scared to admit they are READY to start a family. We never feel truly ready, or financially secure enough. We’re scared that with our lavish lifestyle (which we’re reluctant to give up) if we have a baby, we'll feel limited - maybe even feel resentment (though I find that hard to comprehend). This is the most important decision you will take in your life. And before contraception came along, this decision wasn’t even in your hands most of the time. In fact, every one of my friends who recently became a Mum said, “we weren’t planning for this – it just happened”. I’ve yet to hear any one say they were 100% ready, though there may be many who were.

We were scared too. We took a lot of risks, didn’t bother with contraception, and just wanted “Destiny” to take over. We were so terrified with this huge step we were going to take…but we did nothing to stop it from happening either. We had NO savings. I was not employed. And we had a Labrador who could eat more than the two of us put together (of course it was not his fault that we gave him so many doggy treats and fed him Pedigree). Add to this credit card debt (I blame newly-wed euphoria – we learnt our lesson) and car payments and we were lucky we had three meals a day. Okay, that is stretching it a tad. Yet, we unconsciously encouraged it! Why not? I mean – our grandparents’ generation were all single earners with more than twice the number of children than our generation – and they ALL did GREAT! (My mother always said we lived a privileged life and so we take things for granted.) A few months after putting up that sticker, I conceived. Now I am a mother. Mother. MOTHER :o)

I took a picture of this sticker because I knew we would lose it if we ever had to sell this fridge. I guess the reason why I wrote this post was to tell the women I care about this: don’t give in to any pressure to start a family. It’s a HUGE responsibility. You SHOULD take into consideration your husband’s opinion, their support is most crucial – they are going to be scared too, even more than you perhaps. But they may also surprise you. You will know in your heart if you want to take this big step. Your mind will put before you all the possible obstacles – but your heart will keep saying, “Ag we’ll get through it”. And you WILL. You will get through anything once you see your baby. Your resolve, to not merely survive but to THRIVE, kicks into gear. My only regret is that I didn’t start this motherhood gig earlier – but “The Lord shall give that which is good…in His time.” So, even age is not really a factor. That feeling of being “ready” is God telling us to go ahead, that He’ll stick by us, catch us if we fall – but we’ll never feel that thrill if we don’t ever jump. There is NOTHING that I miss from my life before I became a mother – it all pales by comparison. (Okay I miss fitting into a Size 30 jeans – but that’s it! Seriously!) :P

Reluctant as I am to add this, I gotta say I am grateful to my MIL for that sticker. It's one of many sweet things she's done for me. In my rare moments of despair, especially during my pregnancy when I felt weak, helpless, scared and vulnerable, those words gave me the strength I needed...

Mama Mia

There is no one in the world who drives me more crazy than my Mother.

There is no one in the world who has looked out for me more through all the thunderstorms of my life. Even when I have disappointed her...I feel the warmth of her aura as she scolds me. I feel safe and protected in her presence even when I fight with her like a crazy lunatic. I've said many hurtful things to her in my life. So, being a mother now, I can expect it in return from my kids ten fold. I just hope I have her strength to withstand it. If she ever fell apart - she never let me see it.

There is a saying, that God could not be every where, and so he gave us Mothers. She is my guiding light and I am forever grateful to Him for her. Mama mia...

Revival of the Retraction

I published the previous post three days ago, then removed it by end of day again - because, as usual, I was worried "What would people think?" (rolling eyes) This is the day and age where you can post something very innocent on your Facebook status and your 500 friends will comment on it with 500 varying interpretations. Soon, something very innocent gets more attention than it deserves and you have the whole world sitting in judgment of your life. You're even left thinking HOW people come up with the kind of daft comments that they do!

Another reason why I removed the previous post was because I truly believe that any negative feelings one has towards something one truly cherishes (in this case, my marriage) will only be further compounded by putting that down in writing (and then revealing it to the world!). Numerous posts lie in my Drafts folder for this same reason. We unleash our heavy hearts, and then hide it away quietly, hoping it'll some how get resolved by itself because we have revealed our worries to the Universe. Chaos follows.

The reason I brought the post back was because this fight with the husband was quite a revelation to me. It started off for all the millions of stupid reasons (can you believe, I don't even remember WHY?) that husbands and wives fight about. The revelation lies in my reaction to the fight. I won't tell you what I did, only that I had never behaved in such a manner before, and was quite ashamed to feel the burden lift from my heart as soon as I did. How could such a meaningless act give such RELIEF? Okay, before people misinterpret THIS as well I guess I better say I broke something (but I won't say what ;o). I never, NEVER throw or break things in a fight. I destroy my opponents with the most poisonous of words. I guess this time, I had my baby in my hands, couldn't scream n shout much but had to let out as well, it's as though I was possessed, and so I let loose on the first thing I got my hands on...something that belonged to the husband. I felt SO awful (much) afterward - but you will not BELIEVE how the weight lifted from my heart. I did not intentionally hunt for something of his to destroy - though he will never believe that. But I strongly recommend that when Big Bazaar has a sale on breakable plates - stock up ladies!!!

The previous post is back because the person who wrote ALL those things - that person is ALSO me. It's who I am. It clearly shows I'm no martyr, no angel. I'm flawed and weak and stubborn - in fact, I'm a bitch. I apologize only to my husband for it. I do my marriage no favours by hiding what I truly feel about it at any point in time. The husband and I have still not talked about the fight. Two days of not talking to each other was followed by a quiet acceptance that life must go on and the mutual false illusion that the other party was at fault. The love is there - it always will be. I still contend that two people in love should not HAVE to marry to be together - but it is the way of the world and avoids a lot of awkward questions when the kids arrive. Marriage is hard alright...hard WORK. If you don't work at the minor cracks in the foundation, you'll be too stunned to make a recovery if it falls apart.

“The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast.” - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Stating The Obvious

Marriage is hard. It is so hard that I would not recommend it to any one, let alone convince them to do it just cos "time is running out". For me, personally, there is only one reason to stay put in a marriage: my children. For many, that's a bad reason. But not for me. The reason being that I LOVE my husband. But I wish I hadn't married him. He has been miserable ever since. I can see it. I can feel it. The only good thing that has come out of our union is our son for which I thank God. But he is really and truly miserable and if you knew him...you'd see he's not the type to be tied down. But that's what I did. I tied him down. I loved him so much that I wanted him to be a part of my life. But when I think now, I guess maybe he never really wanted to get married. I dunno... We've hurt a lot of people just to get married.

We had a bad fight today. When I'm angry I say the most ridiculous things, like "I no longer wish to be married to you." This is something he would NEVER say. But that is him. This is me.

For those who want to get married, think twice. Love is clearly not enough to sustain a marriage. You have to WANT to be with a person 24/7. You have to acknowledge them in your life. You have to tell them once in a while just how much they mean to you, that your life would have no meaning without them. No, it's not enough to just "know it". It's not. The occasional hug will help. You may not always help with the dishes or change a diaper but you CAN offer a smile. You may not always kiss goodnight, but you can at least look up from your Blackberry while in bed and SAY "goodnight".

There were many reasons I did not want to marry. The mere idea freaked me out since my teen years. When I finally found the "right guy" - and he IS the right guy by the way, I figured everything would be good. I'm not a fool to think it'd be GREAT. But I figured our love would help us overcome our own little maddening quirks. I am an incredibly romantic individual (head in the clouds type) married to a TOTALLY unromantic being - and I STILL want only him. But marriage has disappointed me. If it weren't for my Catholic upbringing I would opt to live together with him in a hippy commune - away from the pressures of marriage and society. That way, I'd know he was sticking around because he REALLY wants to. Now...now I dunno shit. I just know he is miserable and he is taking it all out on me.